The New Year always seems to bring on more reflection as we look back over the past and project hopes for the next year. It’s a useful exercise for all of us as parents to give thought to how our kids have grown and changed. In the same way that we all tend to come up with areas for improvement and take on resolutions for the New Year, it can also be good to recognize areas where our kids have made strides or where they maybe need to tighten things up. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, this parenting gig. One of the silver linings of managing special needs is that therapies and intervention require regular progress checks, which we naturally translate over to our other kids.
Over the last year, our family has once again gone through a tremendous amount of change. About this time last year, we found out we were pregnant with our 4th child. With this happy and a bit daunting news in the background, there were growing pains for all our boys throughout the year, ramped up work demands and a nice new clock ticking away each week until baby was to arrive.
I’ll be honest and say I felt like we were in the trenches a lot last year. The changes and challenges our kids were navigating were not straightforward from a parenting standpoint. We got through them, and conquered issues gave way to others, but the year felt transformative (in a good way), especially for my older boys.
At this time last year, Jim was beginning to show greater independence in the classroom, but he still needed assistance with staying on task, sitting in his seat, and not speaking out. A staffing change definitely rocked his world, and we spent a few months getting acclimated to the new arrangement. Staffing changes are a fact of life, but that doesn’t make the transitions easy no matter how great the new teacher or therapist is. We started to see positive signs of progress as we ended first grade, but I don’t think anyone anticipated full independence in the classroom was around the corner. We started second grade with our teacher asking to allow Jim the opportunity to give full independence a try. He seemed to take to it right away. He’s been with these same kids since 4K, and I really think he enjoyed being a regular student like everyone else for the first time. He’s still needed some help here and there, but the progress over the last year has been amazing overall.
I always hesitate to declare any type of victory in this battle because with autism and brain development, you don’t know what is around the corner, but I will say that Jim is a good example of how early intervention can be effective at notching progress against the symptoms of autism. We have other stubborn symptoms to work on, and we will keep battling alongside him. No doubt the progress in the classroom is a great achievement for him.
Transitions to a new school and just growing up in general have dominated our oldest son’s world. It’s not easy to be the oldest kid, and we have certainly leaned on him more this year with all we have had going on. From a parenting standpoint, I try to balance wrapping our kids up in love with nudging them all along the way to grow and learn. That has probably been felt more by him this past year as we have entered this age where it’s time to start growing up a little bit. I’m conscious about not making our kids grow up too fast. There’s plenty of time for them to be responsible adults, but I also don’t want them to be emotionally clueless as they enter pre-adolescence. At this age, it’s incumbent on parents to instill self-awareness vs. self-absorption and courtesy vs. obtuseness.
As I said, it has felt like we have been in the trenches this past year, but I often think that the efforts we make as parents at all of the little things at more complex ages and stages help our children to discover and fully become the people they are meant to be. They will make mistakes, and we will help them up when they stumble. One of the most important things for them to learn from us is unconditional love.
I still remember having a conversation some years ago with my oldest when he had gotten busted in a lie for the first time. He was terrified of what I might say, but in that moment, I wanted him to know he could always tell me the truth and never needed to lie to me to cover his mistakes. It occurred to me that he had never heard me say one of the most important things a parent can say to their child. I had told him I loved him and was proud of him hundreds of times before, but this time I said, “Do you think there is something that you could do that is so bad that I wouldn’t love you anymore?” He really didn’t know what to say, and I could see he was trying to think of something that would be really bad. He slowly nodded “yes?” and then “no.” with little conviction. I stopped him and said, “No John, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do that would make me not love you. You may do things that make me angry, or frustrated, or sad, but my love for you will still be there. There is nothing that you can do to change that.” His face softened with relief and recognition washed over his face. I think sometimes we assume our kids get it, but it always helps to say things out loud. They need to understand the power of redemption. He knew he was still grounded, but he also knew we still loved him.
We start the New Year feeling extremely blessed for all the ups and downs and the growth that came with the past year. We are super thankful for the addition of the baby girl to our now pretty big family. Here’s wishing everyone a Happy New Year!
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