Every parent has the realization at some point after they have their children that they have created an actual human being. You know, that they have created a complex individual with feelings and preferences that may or may not resemble their own. It’s really exciting and really frightening all at the same time.
Toddlers are notoriously unreasonable at times as they learn expectations, boundaries, and general rules of life, all as they develop their personalities and opinions. Our kids pick up on lots of cues as they watch their parents, siblings, family, friends, and anyone else with whom they interact. They learn important nuances like the difference between grumpy, angry, disappointed, and frustrated. They learn the fine lines between happy, overjoyed, glad, and content. When you really start to think about it, the list of feelings, expressive emotions, and dispositions of a human being is really long and complex. So you can probably imagine how difficult it is when that part of your brain does not contemplate and organize the information on emotional states well. Left unchecked, virtually every interaction that you have with someone else is interpreted (or misinterpreted, as it were) in a way that results in confusion and misunderstanding.
I had a tense discussion with a very close friend of mine when I was in college (if she happens to read this, she may even remember the exchange). I cannot remember what we were arguing about exactly, but it was likely one of those stupid arguments you get into when you are in your 20s and convinced you know everything about the world. Anyway, at one point in the argument, she said something along the lines of, “Well, that’s the way I feel.” My response was, “Well, I think you are being ridiculous, and you should not feel that way.” What she said next stopped me in my tracks. She said, “You have no right to say that. My feelings are mine, and they are valid. You do not get to tell me that they are wrong.” That about did it for the argument for sure, but what she said really stuck with me over the years. She was right; even if I did not understand or agree with how she was reacting to the situation, her feelings and reasons for her reaction were her own and valid in that sense. It doesn’t mean she was right, or that I was right. In that moment and in that discussion, her feelings were very intense and very real to her, and that in itself meant they deserved to be treated with validity.
I did not know it then, but this concept would come in handy when I had children. I quickly found that when I treated my children’s feelings with some validation, we were able to navigate situations and issues much easier. I know I can throw the parental trump card down (and I have), but I would rather have them grow up knowing that I understand that their joy or sadness or fear or anger (or whatever they are feeling) is very real for them in that moment. It does not mean I agree with it or even understand the why of it in the moment, but when they feel heard and validated, it’s a much better conversation and generally a better outcome. It has especially come in handy as I have tried to understand and help my son navigate the vagueness of emotions on the autism spectrum. By their very nature, emotions, feelings and states of mind are abstract concepts, and it is often difficult for kids on the spectrum to grasp the abstract. But even a kid on the spectrum knows when someone is trying to understand their feelings and reactions to an environment or a situation. When someone is treating you with care and love, that is tangible and concrete – not abstract. Kids on the spectrum get that.
I mentioned in an earlier post about the double-edged sword of progress and the fact that it can often be accompanied by new challenges. An awesome step forward for us over the last year has been greater self-awareness and the development of self-concept. Now, every child develops this as they grow up, but with most kids it is a more gradual process that parents probably barely notice. But with autism, some children may never really grasp that they are not engaging with the world around them, or even if they are aware, may be indifferent about doing so. A big goal is to help them engage more, and reach that part of the brain that seeks the social, feels empathy, and enables the child to connect to the world around them in a meaningful way.
With greater engagement comes new and more diverse stressors. The progress has a flip-side in that as he is more aware and engaged, he is bombarded with all these new situations that are difficult to interpret, unpredictable, and uncertain. So progress can really rock their world. Kind of like just learning to read and someone hands you Plato’s Republic and says “knock yourself out” (Excuse me, I was stepping up to Dr. Seuss?). Feelings are also abstract – you cannot see them – and everyone expresses them differently.
What’s more is that kids on the spectrum tend to internalize their emotions and because they have difficulty expressing how they are feeling, it can result in a meltdown out of the blue and sometimes hours removed from whatever was upsetting them. Sometimes it is a specific interaction with someone, and other times it is event-driven where they have held it together for as long as they could before the stress of the environment overwhelms them. I can tell you as a parent that has dealt with this on and off for the last five years it can be difficult to see it coming. I have definitely gotten better at it over the years, but it’s tough to recognize in some circumstances. The meltdowns are not necessarily like a temper tantrum, but more like an anxiety attack. It can ramp up from general angst to sobbing to getting upset to the point of hyperventilation. It can be scary and heartbreaking. As I mentioned above, just giving his feelings an outlet and some validity can be a help, but it’s hard to see your child in such distress.
One piece of advice: If you see the stress building, punch out of the situation immediately. Don’t try to stick it out, especially when they are really young. A meltdown at age 3 or 4 ruined his whole day. A meltdown nowadays may not ruin the whole day for him, but the after effects seem to linger for a couple of days. We have had to leave weddings, birthday parties, and restaurants early and unexpectedly over the years, and it has always been a good decision, even when friends and family do not understand. We have opted not to attend large functions at church or school because it had been a hard day, and again, it always felt right doing the best thing for him. Over time, we have gotten more nimble as a family, but that is always subject to change. The complexity of emotions will continue to be a challenge over the years. I know the most important one – love – is well understood, and for that I am truly grateful.
I'm Not Driving 